Can you really ever be ready to get married?
Well, how should I know?
This year, this semester, I felt that it was feasible for me. Marriage? Yeah, I could do that. I even want to. I said this one time, to my friend Amanda. I said it so casually, not flopped on a bed with friends behind closed doors as the nervous conclusion to a long journey, but just outloud. Like it was no big deal. “Yeah, I’d like to get married these days.” It was odd, but also: a personal triumph.
This is not a declaration of omniscience. I know nothing about wifery.
Instead, it is a renouncing of previous fear. I’m not scared anymore. Bring it on husband.
This happened at the relief society sleepover. Friday, March 19th. I was making a flower for my hair.
Two weeks later, after a personal, crazy change of events, I called my Bishop.
“Hey! Could I ask you a huge question in the next few seconds? I have class in 5 minutes and I have to say this before I let myself stay quiet about it.”
“Could I start my mission papers in a covert, not-tell-the-whole-ward kind of way?”
I explain why I want it to be kept quiet for a while. I need to know that this is right for me. I need to have those moments with just me and the Lord, and not with the billion other people who want to tell me about their own moments. I need to be excited because of my own conviction. I’m not ready to paste it on my forehead yet and answer other people’s questions. I just need to start my papers so that I am moving forward, so that I can take time to answer my own questions first. God said that was okay, I asked him. I’m just blabbing really fast and trying to show him that I just can’t even sign a fall contract because the spirit is telling me something else and keeping it a secret is not because I’m scared, well I am scared but that’s not the point and is that okay and then I realize…
“Bishop you don’t even sound excited!”
“Oh I’m sorry. I knew you would get to this day, that’s all.”
There it was.
Bring it on… companion?