Last night I planned out my whole day. Every block of studying, and what should be completed within this block, and how long my break will be, and what I will and will not do on my break. I woke up today and didn’t get a very good start on the list. I was doing a bummer bummer job following through.
I am so disappointed in myself sometimes. I don’t want to dwell on why. I just want to give you a few adjectives. I felt very stagnant. I felt: beneath. Beneath what I wanted to be. Lately, I have felt these things in Great Repetition.
I had to get out!
I explained to God that I needed to escape this. I had to rise from the dingy, beneath feeling. “I know I’m here partly as a result of my own choices,” I said. “I’m going to stop choosing those things now. Can you help me get the rest of the way? I can’t do it all by myself.”
Usually after a prayer like this, I explain to God that I understand if he can’t give me direction. I acknowledge all the reasons why I might not deserve it. I take responsibility. I tell him I’ll keep going even if He doesn’t help me. I end up making excuses about why I won’t receive help for at least double the time I’ve spent on asking for it. This is not helpful. But I didn’t do it this time! I just asked for what I needed. Then I told Him I would follow His will no matter what. (That’s all I really need to conclude with.) And then I had mad faith that good things were coming, because I knew God could send that to me. He could lift me up, and I could be worth that. Skipping that grueling prayer-conclusion is a personal triumph these days.
I got out of my blankets and piles of literary criticism. I changed clothes. I ate something. I listened to Joseph: A Nashville Tribute. This is a folksy CD about the story of Joseph Smith, the first prophet of my church. And guess what? God came with me. I want to show you the change in my adjectives…
I was hopeful. I felt worth. I knew that good things were coming, and that I had what it would take to find them. I was ready.
I am thankful. Quietly empowered.
And now: back to college. I don’t think I’ll belong here much longer, but I can finish my finals. It is it strangest feeling to walk around campus, knowing that I now belong somewhere else. What’s up BYU? I can handle this ten page beast of a paper. And after that, I’m gonna rock these mish papers some more. Some more some more some more.
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