Here’s a little piece of how my days are goin.
This is from May 14th, 2010.
Today I sat at the piano in Katie Bourne’s house. I was next to Julie who flipped through pages of notes and played what she liked. Claire de lune. Beauty & the Beast. Adagio Farewell. I cried a little as she played. My heart is so full. And not over dramatic boy questions or waves of unknowing. My heart is full for my people. I just want to find them and love them. President Child said he can tell that God has been preparing me my whole life to go on a mission. I want to to go and say “Hi. Here is all my love. Here are all of my experiences and pieces… Walk into my heart.” This is what I felt at the piano today.
Yesterday I was riding my bike with my friend Alena. I wore Brooklyn’s old white t-shirt. I wore it once before when I had to do something very hard. This night was so hard that I took off the white shirt to mop my crying face. No smaller tissue would do. (And don’t freak out ok? I had other shirts on underneath.) When I got home, there was mascara blobs all over it. I am pretty sure I even blew my nose on this thing. It was the nast. I was A MESS. It sat in the laundry for a while. When I saw it, I would instinctively label it “hell shirt.” Yesterday hell shirt was washed and clean. It felt light on my shoulders as I pedaled across new roads. This was the first time in a decade I’ve been on a real bike ride. I can’t believe I’ve been alive long enough to use the word decade in a casual sentence about myself, rather than a homework assignment, a history paper due on Monday or something. I had no idea what I was riding towards, but I was hoping to find the lake. Alena sees a bridge up ahead and we decide to ride over it. The wooden boards make a bumpy rhythm beneath our tires and we then we stop. We stop right in the middle because there is a river underneath us. I’ve heard of this river. I’ve driven by little parts of it upstream… but I have never stopped above it. I have never found it on accident like this. I have never needed it like I do on this day. There are trees and flowers and vines on either side. Not a line of pre-planned decorative plants, but of real, wildly growing green. The water rushes around rocks and under my feet. This is how I feel these days— a bit renewed. I feel like everything will be okay. Like I can keep my memories of heavy nights but not be weighed down by them. Like God will help me find beautiful things, even with my hell shirt and my hard times hanging in the balance. I hoped for a glassy lake, and got a rush of river. This is how I feel these days– like I need to be flowing even when I want to stand still. We stop and pray together, because this is Alena and she doesn’t think I’m nuts for wanting to tell God thanks before we keep riding. We follow the trail below all the way home. The river comes with us. I still have a piece.