I am Sister Brown.

Send me to my people.

Reality. July 22, 2010

Filed under: ACT,just.keep.going.,opposition,scriptures,uncertainty — lyndsishae @ 8:48 AM

We’re gonna take a break from cutesy metaphors and Mamaw quotes, because it’s time write about what I’ve been avoiding:

Preparing for a mission is dang hard people.

I’m a mess.

Everyone has different forms of opposition, here’s one of  mine:

I feel so disjointed, as if there were a war going on in my head in a language I don’t understand. It is the strangest form of opposition I have ever felt. It doesn’t translate to words.

It is not “You are not good enough.”

It is not “Stay home. This isn’t what you want.”

It’s just hdjiowprheiiaopgnedklsa;jfdioapefkwla—like radio static, like I am involuntarily distracted by something I can’t identify.

Because I know how to battle the first two. I know how to talk them down because I’ve dealt with them in other parts of my life. I know why they are wrong. But how do I talk-down a scattered jibbering brain that cannot seem to think clearly or extensively about anything? It makes it hard to coherently read and study the things I’m supposed to be reading and studying. It makes it hard to write or listen or feel peace. What is my brain doing? I don’t know, it’s just w9qrphefdiadphaiosfdpjakwelqjewq.  It makes me feel powerless, like nothing I do could be big enough, like I have no choice but to be an achy static-brain, negative and confused and completely ineffective. I feel alone.

That is Wrong. False.

I wish I had the profound all encompassing answer to replace it with, but I don’t. I have no idea what I’m doing here.

All I know is: This is hard. Keep going.

That’s what I have to remember when this opposition flows all up in my mind. I have a choice. My actions matter, and I can use my choices to bring myself closer to the Lord. I can’t just stop and wallow and expect this to pass over me. I have to keep going. Keep choosing.

When I told my friend Julie about this, she said “That’s so normal.” It was the most comforting response possible at the time. I wrote it on my hand and read it all day long.

People need to know that this happens. Opposition happens. It doesn’t mean you’re wrong or weak or bad at life. It means your normal. Did you know that? Completely Normal.

For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward.

Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;

For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward.

D&C 58:26-18

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