Lyndsi Shae’s mom continues to transcribe her mail/stories/letters to her blog. Forgive her imperfections in formatting and un-timeliness in posting…these are Lyndsi Shae’s words – I only place them here.
09-13-2010 – Monday
All the love in my heart is NOT for me.
All the love in my heart is NOT just for those I choose to give it to.
All the love in my heart is from God, and HE needs it. He needs it for His work- to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. Everything He does is for this purpose. That means when He blessed my heart with all of this love – it was part of His purpose! He gave me this love in order to fulfill some piece of the immortality and eternal life of man.
I am SURE that He wants me to spread this gift to all of His children that I come in contact with … not just the ones that I meet easily or the ones that are easy to love. EVERYONE that I can possibly meet in San Fernando … I must meet – and then I must LOVE them. I cannot be selfish with this gift and I cannot pretend to know who needs it and who doesn’t … who will receive it and who won’t.
So I’ll just love. No reservations. I am working up to this.
I am Sister Brown…
09-14-2010 – Tuesday
Writing home to my family today was weird. I didn’t know what to say. (Imagine that!) I am starting to realize that I should take this as a sign that something is wrong. Here is what I think it is this time…
I think the expectations I hold myself to are dangerously high. As I continue not to meet these expectations, I grow more and more angry with myself. Being angry with myself makes me quick to be angry with others…and by night time I have become a horribly hardened, rude, and selfish person. I am not myself – not who I remember being and definitely not who I want to be. I have to cut myself a break or else continue to let Satan take over my heart.
I often feel my heart is the only thing I have to offer. I know I have more but I definitely know that it is my best thing.
I can not let Satan have it!
By requiring myself to be impossibly obedient, knowledgable and diligent, I am killing the faith, hope, charity and humility that I brought with me. I want to grow in all of these but I can not do it with this mindset. I love my faith, hope, charity and humility too much to lose them in the name of perfect obedience, knowledge and diligence.
Something has to change…
The good news is, there’s no way I can go a day without learning ten billion things in this place. It is so intense. I experience a full range of emotion every day, sometimes every few hours. I’m always adjusting. I think my life will feel like this for at least 18 months. I’m suddenly aware of all these weaknesses I didn’t realize I had, but also trying to believe that I can be a good missionary despite them. It’s a difficult balance.
This place is intense but we have fun moments too- let’s talk about me and Sister Starr. Here’s a moment from our life:
ME: “Sister Starr, reading this handbook is making me really grumpy.”
Sister Starr: “Why?”
ME: “Because I’m exhausted and it’s just full of a zillion rules for things I’m not allowed to do and that’s annoying.”
Sister Starr: “I know but we have to read it by tomorrow. It’s one of our goals for today.”
ME: “I know. I just needed you to know that I’m grumpy. Not at you. Just the book.”
Sister Starr: “Ok thanks. I love knowing that. It’s your turn on page 41.”
Then…about ten pages later I read this rule “Be sure to carry cash so you have something to give the thieves.” And we both just crack up laughing, almost in tears. All of this happens on a couch in the MTC which says: “For Quiet Reflection Only.”
Hahahaha. I love this woman – Sister Starr.
09-16-2010 – Thursday
On a lighter note –
Oh man do I love watching Elders get their mail! They file out completely engrossed in a page or intrigued by the address on a package … or sometimes the come out – hands raised high as they moan in despair at their empty hands.
Someone should write a book on the MTC. A collection of essays. There is SO MUCH humanity to be observed here.
I would write this book.
But I can’t because
I am going on a mission!
09-17-2010 – Friday
Woes of the MTC:
- LOSING TEACHERS/FRIENDS
- THE UNKNOWN
- LACK OF KNOWLEDGE
- TRIALS OF FAITH
- TEMPTATION TO BE SELFISH
These are all things that our Savior experienced so that He could understand me infinitely and plead for my salvation more sincerely.
He said, “It it finished.” and now he is eternally my Savior.
I know that Jesus Christ understood that He was coming to Earth to be a Savior. That mentally and spiritually it all made sense – but I am also sure that He didn’t know HOW it would all work out. He wasn’t sure of the specific events and outcomes of every day of his journey. I am sure He did not understand how much it would physically hurt to endure our pains. If He understood exactly – then why would he have asked to have the cup pass from Him?
Even if Jesus Christ knew the “WHY” – I know He had to exercise faith in order to complete his purpose on Earth – so He could fill the gaps of “HOW”.
I know I will feel this about my mission too.
Its my last day at the MTC. This is what I am thinking…
I want to teach and love people. Even though I know my heart will get smooshed, I want to make a fool of myself trying to contact people in the street who think I am awkward. I want to wear out my ugly shoes and just LOVE and TEACH people. I don’t’ care about the rest.
Where are you at my future companions? We will work like dogs. (Nice, pretty dogs.)
Wahhhhhhhh yeahhhh! I’m so pumped. I could stay here in the MTC for 2 more months and still feel like there is a ton I don’t know yet. But this place is very safe, very separate, and it’s time for me to go learn somewhere else. Somewhere where I will be exposed and uncomfortable and rocked. Totally rocked.
I love PMG. (Preach My Gospel.) It’s the book they train us out of these days. I know this book is inspired. So often it answers questions I couldn’t begin to answer. It speaks with boldness, but also humility. I really want to teach with both of these… at the same time. Doesn’t that sound incredible? To be unashamed but still meek? Powerful but loving? I want that. I also want to speak *concisely*. And oh man, for me that will be quite a feat. (We all know this).
Mostly, I just want to hit the ground running. RUNNING. Even if this means I fall smack on my face. It’s gonna happen. But running! I’ll be running. So that’s okay.
I leave the MTC: More fully converted.