Lyndsi Shae’s mom is a slacker! Sister Brown diligently sends her post and I have not been so diligent in posting. I apologize! Look for a new post every day until we are all caught up. Meanwhile….
November 10, 2010
Whew. I just battled 8000 janky computers and my heart was just flippin its chips that I might not get one to work so I could write home. I finally got one! Now I’m havin trouble gettin my thoughts together.
I know I keep saying I want to send this huge discourse about all of my people. I’ve been thinkin this week that that’s probably not a good idea. People pretty much hand over their whole lives to us and it’s not fair for me to expose all of that on the internet in hopes you’ll love them as much as me. So, sometimes I’ll tell you great stories about them. In the mean time, I give myself permission to fail in sending you the entirety of my experience. I’m just not sure I’ll ever get it all into words.
However, I am of course willing to broadcast the most personal details of my own spiritual journey, as it seems that any enlightenment I receive comes with a simultaneous urge to shout the contents of my heart to the world. This is the way I work.
That being said, where can I start?
God is helping me so much. I give Him my time and He makes it work. Sometimes I’m so worried or anxious or troubled when I go to bed and I wake up calm and peaceful– like God heals me while I sleep. Sometimes I lay there with a question and wake up with a phrase on my mind. When I look it up in the scriptures, I find the verse that is my answer. I know it’s because He needs me to learn quickly. He needs me to be ready.
I’ve been having two distinct impressions from the spirit lately. Both of them help me understand specific things the Lord wants me to learn while I’m here. Today as I wrote about them, they collided into this central purpose God has for my mission, and how I can bring that purpose to life. It’s not what I was expecting at all. It was a really special experience and I can’t even write about it yet. I am really coming to know myself as a missionary. So thankful for the things I’m learning.
I have so much to work on.
We see miracles every day.
Everything is intense.
Sometimes I am crazy bold and I don’t even know if people are going to have an emotional break down or punch me in the face by the time I’m done saying what I need to say.
Knock knock. “Do you think it’s possible that you have yet to experience a fulness of joy? There is a man who has the power to make you clean and whole from all mistakes and discord that are now plaguing your life. He can bring you to this fulness of joy, which is eternal life. How much are you willing to do so that you might come to know Him? We are here to teach you that your soul has infinite worth, and that reaching that worth will be dependant on your choices. Can we teach you how to find the eternity that lies within you?”
My life. That’s my life.
Sometimes I get so into it that it feels like I will cease to remain in one piece. Like the particles of my heart are going to shotgun out in 50 billion different directions because I just cannot contain the conviction in me.
I am just nuts. Nuts. Zeal zeal zeal.
Today in the car I imagined myself when I get home from my mission. I do this a lot since every companion I have is always about to go home. (Trunkiest little greenie that you ever did see.) Anyway so I pictured myself with our family at home, and then I saw myself at school with the people I love… and it all felt good but eventually I was tearing up a little because I just missed being a missionary. And then I remembered that I still am one. (Oh good.)
It’s so hard! So hard! Everything is intensified. I get nauseous and dizzy pretty often these days and I just don’t know what’s up with my body and all the stress inside of it but I just want to keep going.
Oh man. I read over this letter and I’m a little embarrassed.
Perpetually and enthusiastically out of balance,