November 28, 2011
Family I am beaming with pride and I’m a huge mess of emotions.
I’m looking at Corey’s pictures… reading about Lacey’s struggles and stories of Nicaragua and I am crying and laughing and I love you.
I can’t even read the emails from my friends! I cant handle any more emotion! I printed them for later.
It doesn’t help that the elders are playin guitar in the background– like a soundtrack to my dramatic heart.
I love you I love you I love you.
Corey looks so grown up! I am so proud of him and his destroyed shoes. And all his talks and his people and his spanish.
I would have loved to see that.
I can’t wait to talk to him on Christmas! I tell everyone that he’s home this week and that I get to call him soon!
I prayed so hard that that trip would go smoothly. I really wanted it to be beautiful and strengthening for you, especially Mom and Dad.
I hope you see how much you’ve built together.
I loved what the man from Corey’s greenie area said about him: “You are so different now– you are powerful.”
The other day someone read a quote from a conference talk about a boy who was about to go through chemotherapy.
“Will I be the same after this?” he asked the doctor.
I can imagine his fear and his uncertainty. I don’t know what chemotherapy is like but I can remember people telling me how hard it is to serve a mission. How many trials will come my way. I remember leaders at the MTC saying that we would need to learn to talk differently, walk differently, teach and invite and testify more boldly than we ever had. I knew I had to grow bigger than I could imagine. I remember several times at the beginning, having to face myself, my pride and my fear and my weakness, and knowing that there was no way I could get through this alone. I’ve seen so many sisters leave early and that always kills me. I have had many times where I wondered how I could carry one more thing. It can be scary to think of what comes next, of all that will be different when this is over.
“No. You will not be the same,” the doctor said.
“You will be stronger. You will be AWESOME.”
When the man read this in church I felt the spirit testify to me that I had completed much of God’s plan for me, that I had a lot of good left to do, and that I was awesome.
It sounds so funny, but it felt so good to know that my Heavenly Father thinks I’m awesome. That I’ve fought the good fight and He has never left me.
I want to be awesome!
I’ve had a few opportunities this week to think about how I’ve changed…
I’ve always wanted to be stronger. I’ve endured and fought-through and toughed-out so many things in the name of this goal– I want to be strong. But the biggest change in me from my mission is that I’m happier. And I know that God would rather me be happy than strong. He would rather me be joyful than a warrior. I am blessed to have received a change so different than what I imagined.
I’m out of time!